Steven Wright's Quotes

Steven Wright's Quotes 34

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking ' but I don't have that much time.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Ads Here

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered...

Ads Here

When I die I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment...

Ads Here

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said 'What for?'...

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I...

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If God dropped acid would he see people?

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future but only way off to the...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I bought some batteries but they weren't included.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

1
2